It is the largest of questions in only three letters.
Why am I this way? Why am I so unworthy of love and to have someone care about me? Why must I continue, day after day, to endure a torture that will never, EVER, end. Why do the powers that be find it necessary to continue to add more crap to my crap filled life. Why must every minute of pleasure be repaid with months of pain? Why did they keep me alive? Why couldn't they have just let me go?
Years of this anguish are taking it's toll. Every thought now filled with a hopeless emptiness that my void of a soul no longer listens to. Words spoken to me are nothing more than empty courtesies. There is no meaning or substance. No love. No caring. Just words as if picked from a dictionary. Heartless.
I have tried, really tried, to find the good. To better myself and be someone of worth. But a person can only take so many hits before the referee calls the fight. I have screamed for help. Swallowed my pride and admitted my faults and weaknesses. Strived to be honest in emotion and reaction. I have hidden nothing. It is simply not enough and I don't know what's missing. I thought this was how a person was supposed to be. Was I wrong? Was I supposed to keep my feelings hidden? Was I supposed to remain the seemingly heartless bastard I was made out to be? It would have been a lot easier. Then, I simply could have walked away from everyone and everything. Everyone could have stood around patting each other on the back saying things like, "See? I told you so."
Those efforts I've made do not matter. Wether I'm here or not does not matter. So then, Why am I still here?
I don't know anymore.
A strong breeze managed to find a path through the seedy little 'Quicky Mart' parking lot I was waiting in and (without any warning) stole my hat. I chased my hat around the parking lot for what seemed to be an eternity. All the while doing the stupid little 'wind took your shit' dance, looking like a complete idiot. My perspective offered up a new few of the world for me. One of previously enjoyed gum, and cigarette butts. Even though my hat had beed doing the 'Asphalt Walz' through all of the newly discovered treasures, I finally lasso'd it, and threw it on my head.
What was I doing in this "Quicky Mart" parking lot in? I was waiting. I was waiting there to meet my connection. To move some merchandise. To score some cash.
I was there to sell the last thing of value I have in the world; My Fender.
I know, I know.
It's just a thing, a possession and in the scheme of life, it is unimportant. But to me it was one of my few remaining links to a past disappearing too quickly. To me, it's Grandpa's story told one too many times. A story of adventure, discovery, treasure and a life long love affair. A story that we all have. More important to us than it will be to anybody ever told. My Odyssey. Even my legacy. And I was waiting there to sell it.
I remember the day I got and where. It was a the Guitar Center in Hollywood, incorrectly tagged amongst some unworthy Yamaha Acoustic Thin Styles. A solid Black on Black masterpiece of simple Fender goodness with a mix of Japanese influence. That guitar caused a lot of controversy back then as Fender thought Japanese Fender was trying to show them up (and they were). The truth is, they did.
The first thing I did when I got home was open up a copy of Guitar magazine. The year was 1987, log before the net. Guitar magazine had a list of the Top 10 New guitars for that year. Sitting at number 1 was my Fender with an MSRP of 5 times what I had just paid for it. A standard Fender Strat only found it's way to the number 6 spot that year. Also in the magazine; Steve Vai was ranked as the number one Rock/Metal Guitarist, ousting Eddie VanHalen and U2 was going to be playing The Forum.
Now it's 26 years later. And except for those times it was on loan to one of the kids, I've had this Fender Strat for over half my life. In that time I never, not once, ever contemplated selling it. Even when times were tough. Even though I was never a great, or even good guitar pla
But hard times are here and with my future always uncertain it was necessary to let it go. So in this seedy Quicky Mart parking lot, for the embarrassingly low price of $1200, I was selling 26 years of my life to someone I had never met, and would most likely never see again.
I see him pull in driving. "Nice car", I'm thinking, "but he looks like Fred Durst". As he walks over to my car he offers one of the easily recognizable and universal "cool guy" head nods and says, "Hey, you Bob?" we spend about half an hour talking, then make the exchange. As he drives off all I can think of is that I've been robbed. 12 $100 bills just doesn't seem worth it when you compare it to everything that guitar meant to me. I began to feel sick as I started my drive home.
Honestly I did not think it would hit this hard. It's just a guitar, right? I guess somehow I injected part of my soul in that guitar, and now I really feel it. To me, this is the pinnacle failure of my life so far. I lost the one thing that was truly mine, and I did it on purpose. I guess it was bound to happen. At some point, life begins to take more than it gives. Now, with nothing left, I wonder what it will take next.
I am a fool.
I know, I've said that before, but its still true.
In my heart I know what needs to be done. Still, I delay the action. My heart is so committed to an aggravated assault against my mind that it cannot allow me to do what is ultimately right. It cannot let go.
I've known her at her worst and at her best. I've seen the damage she is capable of first hand and would never like to again. I've seen her fall a part. I've seen her admire and appreciate. I've seen her as a loving mother. I've seen her as my best friend and as my worst enemy. I've seen her look at me in love and in hate. I know her.
The first Libra could be seen throughout our developing relationship. A friend, a lover. My wife, my lover. She radiated beauty everywhere she went, demanding the attention of all that where in her presence. She supported me and raised 4 wonderful children. And I loved her like no other.
The second Libra was hell. Divorce and hatred, loathing and abandonment. I will not go back here - ever.
The third Libra, this one right now, however, is the most difficult for me to understand. I see my friend and lover, the mother of my children. I see her heart in all of it's generosity and her beauty still a glow. She has pain now. Pain and disappointment. I can see in her eyes the disbelief of how this life has turned out. I can see how much I have let her down. It is an uncomfortable feeling. How can all of these things be so visible to me know and not when I needed them to be. When I could have done something about it.
Twinges and scowls breeze across her face occasionally (a memory left over from the number two Libra, most likely). They are fleeting and seldom stay for more than a second, but still. In this Libra I am lost. The difference between what I see and feel and what she feels are devastatingly different. There is no love seen in her face and only a superficial indicator of caring can ever been seen. And even that has become rare.
Still, I hang on. I hang on for something my brain has been trying to tell me will never happen for a while now. I am overtaken by the forces of denial and stuff the negative thoughts as far away as possible. I am lost in the presence of her and wish to stay there for ever, if posible. But I am selfish.
The last few days I have began to realize the facts surrounding this one sided relationship and just as it did 4 years ago, my heart is starting to break all over again. There is no hope here, the never was. There was only a cease fire and a loose agreement to begin talks in hopes of establishing a treaty of some sort (done). But there is no future here and I beginning to understand that.
But what to do?
It seems I have fallen again. Now, to her, relegated as a friend I am only allowed to observe. I must sneak into her house after dark in the absence of light to visit with her. I cannot be seen in the daylight. My offers of help are sometimes accepted but only if the above criteria can be met. I am not allowed to know anything too important or too private and am always kept just outside "the know"
I knew this wouldn't be easy but agreed to try it anyhow. Just to be close too her again I would have sold my soul. I still would! But the initial energy has dissipated leaving only a vapor trail.She was here once, but I missed it.
I am a fool for hanging on to something I can never hope to recover. A fool for standing in the way of her seeking and finding her own happiness. A fool for jeopardizing and destroying my life by trying to hang on to a fleeting dream of a life with her that never existed.
I have been resisting the urge to do this. To write down another word reflecting the misery my mind once again. I do not want this anymore, yet I, once again, I find myself mired down in the cruelty of life's mud, but this time I have no shovel.
"Standing in the middle of nowhere. Wondering how to begin. Lost between tomorrow and yesterday. Between now and then." ~The Kinks
No one song lyric has been able to depict my life so accurately as that one. This is how I have felt for so long.
There used to be a time I thought I was happy. But that was all violently stripped away without regard as to what was I to be left. It turns out not much. My days are filled with emptiness and false hopes. Dreams and fantasies abound. I believe in myself as long as I am unable to. Until I get to the point that I start to unravel.
I cannot describe it. I do not want to. I am in desperately in need of help, but surrounding me are the selfish. Those people that are able to tollerate me as long as there is something I can give them when demanded. They sem to take advantage of my "brokenness", knowing that I will give the last thing I own if they but barely ask.
Still others do far worse by providing the false hopes guaranteed to do further, irreparable damage.
It is all my fault. Only my perception, right?
I have exhausted all of my resources. There is nothing left of both my money and myself. My broken brain refuses to restart and I have no way to do so on my own. I spend my days crying and chasing cars. I wrestle with the identity of those I can and cannot trust. But I do not live. Living around every corner there is someone lurking with their hands out stretch, eagerly waiting to take what's left of me.
But I have no more. I have nothing. There are no more days of clarity. No more days of being responsible. There is nothing...I am done.
I want to be happy. I want to have friends that are interested in my survival. I want to live and restart my life. And I want so much to be loved and to share that love in return.
...and I need help.
The promise of the new hangs in the air as the days fall away from winter to reveal the possibilities of Spring. My senses are excited once more. The air now becomes crisp, instead of cold. The wind now just a breeze, slightly chilled. The Sun continues it's battle to show through the rain clouds and each day gains a little more ground. Winter is all but dead. All of the trees, all of the plants, indeed everything that lives is now actively standing in defiance of the dying Winter. Awakening from long sleeps underground, the early bloomers are making an always spectacular showing. An introduction, as if to make the Spring official.
For people, a different kind of awakening is occurring. The sounds of Weed-eaters and lawnmowers fill the Northwestern skies until the Sun can no longer stand against the roof of the night. Hustle and bussle at the local hardware stores and those nurseries catering to plants, people stand and contemplate. "How will this look" or "What do think" are comments frequently heard. Their choices are many, too many to list, but all beautiful in their own right. No complaints about how much work it will be or the time that will be lost trying to place these no longer orphaned plants. Just visions of beauty as all of us imagine how much they will add to our lives.
We look at everything a little different during the Springtime. Unburdened by the darkness of Winter, our minds sprout upward toward the Sun and begin to once again see all that was hidden from view for so long. As if magic returns to our world for a short time making everything possible. We are able to see the best in everything, from plants to people. Everything is exciting and nothing is impossible.
This is my favorite time of the year, and I do not plan to waste it.
It's been a while since I've written here. I've tried to keep from letting my emotions be so available to everyone to see but keeping them to myself has been a torture all to itself. It's time. It's time to be crazy again. This time is a little more intense and I am coming apart. I am torn in too many directions. I struggle daily with the happiness I so badly desire being just out of reach, and cry nightly hoping this nightmare will end. Life is in too many directions. It's all too far apart and no direction seems right. I want to close down. Shut off all the switches and let this insanity factory go dark once and for all. Yet I cannot say why.
I know my life is in ruin. I am not the person I used to be, after all. Where am I? My head has not shut down for what seems a year. Always processing, always thinking, always wrong, always weird. Only sought after when I am needed to help or fix. Not worth the time of others.
There is no help for people like me. Caught in the middle of too much and not enough, I fit nicely into the void of those forgotten. Watching the remainder of my sad existence fall into decay I am helpless to change the path before me. I feel I am nothing of this world and I cannot shake it.
"If I just hold on a little longer" says the voice of hope. To what end? I'll make it through this time as I have before, only to find more of my life is gone.
I am so tired of this. I just want it to leave me alone. Just go away, give me some god damned peace. What terrible thing did I do to deserve this hell. I just want to be a normal person.
Is that to much to ask for?
My head is swimming. I think I can actually feel my brain hitting the sides of my skull. Slosh, slosh, slosh - thud...
It's so hard to know who to be. Friend? Foe? Compatriot? We have talked into the wee hours and I can say I'm happy when she's here. The talking is mostly positive, sometimes nurturing, sometimes funny and sometimes painful. Little shards of glass kind of painful. I say things I promised I would keep hidden. I have revealed a little too much. I have said things laced with the old hatred that remain unresolved. I regret those things and wish I could unsay them.
I am revealing too much of myself. My feelings. My desires. My loves. I am stepping over the edge unintentionally and slowly revealing the ugliest part of me - my soul. Nothing I have said is untrue, but these things are better left alone. They are the unfixable. They are the desperation of a man lost. It is everything I have left.
Stuttering and stammering, I am straining the conversation. Too afraid to say what I want for fear of the repercussions. Stuck within her mindset, she has given me the answers to these questions and yet I am unable to accept them. Her honesty is frank and my heart refills with the familiar pain that has been with me now for far too long. But this a problem for nobody but me.
At times our conversation is too casual, trespassing into territory best left for friends. With who? What and when? Have you? Again, too much pain in the asking.
She is only telling me the truth. She is showing me her path. She tries hard to chose words carefully but some things cannot be rephrased in a effort to soften the blow. Nothing she says, I do not already know. Done and over, she is gone.
As the conversation wears on until late, I find something new is happening. I am a little surprised at the finding. I am listening! I am listening with great intention, nearly hanging on ever word she says, good or bad. There is nothing missed. I remember it all. Although she is still guarded and keeping certain events or people anonymous it does not curb my interest in what she saying.
I am still confused as to why and how this is happening (though she has made the reasons clear), but I must put the confusion away and let this happen. Though my feeling are true they are also not important. When she is here, I am happy - even when I'm mad. I would do whatever was necessary to enjoy this time as long as possible including giving myself away. Selfish? Hell yes!
Still, it's hard to know who to be. Even though the boundaries have been drawn and she has been clear on her intentions, living between the status of Ex and hated is a difficult proposal. So I'm going to try my best to let it ride, accept this as it is, whatever it is and desperately try to keep my mouth shut while not becoming an asshole in the process.
Yep, I'm in a lot of trouble.
*To the one: While this post is not bad in any way that I can see, it may make you uncomfortable and you should probably avoid reading. ~BT
On the Lighter Side....
A need for leaving, an urge to go
An invitation given, to the one I know
Some company was needed, a distraction from the day
The comfort of an old friend, I stole away
Talking over dinner, sweet drinks do their job
A little sadness noticed, and many hours robbed
Slightly creeping, those emotions
Had to choke them back, ignore the notion
Her beauty led me from the restaurant lights
Not once a bicker or a jab, no sign of any flight
Returning home alone, I clean up fast and straight
You softly knocking on the door, And cleaning had to wait
Nervously I jabber, But you are calm and fine
I am back in high school now, while shaking, pour the wine
As bottles went and moods improved, we spoke a little easier
Some honesty and pain discovered, those we could not recover
Still we smiled and joked a bit, and I didn't yell or cry
Right here speaking honestly, restraint I did not have to try
It was old and new and comfortable, much like that desert hole
Sometime talking about nothing, no need to play our roles
Every subject talked about, and every subject crossed
Some time spent on the tragedies, some time spent on the lost
She speaks it dear, her path so clear of what she plans to be
I can't compare, I do not dare (but would love to make her happy)
The wine long empty, the hours went too fast
Nothing this enjoyable was ever made to last
I walked you to the door and turned to say goodbye
Right then I new how much I loved her, didn't have to try
She glides away, alone to stay, her strength now clearly showing
With pride I smile (it's beens a while) just happy in the knowing
My thoughts turn quickly, I want to shout out, "please turn around and stay"
I hold it back, the fog now takes her as I watch her walk away.
I could not sleep, was too excited.
Amazed at what one boring night had invited
Just like the first time she came through my door
A cherished time with one I adore.
To the one: Thank you.
The secrets flood upon me, haunting deep into my soul. Words of betrayal, sung by children, echo endlessly the sounds of muffled decay throughout the hollowed shell of me that once contained my soul. These words are spoken clearly, just as the faces held in the telling. The innocent stand reenacting, as if in a play from life, as if normal. Oblivious to the hurt just delivered, they see no harm in the telling of this truth. They are simple messengers without experience about such matters. To them this is nothing more than a story they felt worthy of retelling. A fantasy ba
I listen hard, my ears stretched wide, desperately keeping myself in check. I fought hard to keep the tears from showing the hurt I had been filled with, unknowingly delivered by these angels of innocence. I keep my strength until the story ends then laugh openly to keep the illusion of my strength a little longer. But inside I am dying, Having yet another emotional dagger thrust into my chest once more. Another gaping wound allowing a little more of my anima to slip away from me. I dare not show it. Running dangerously low on emotional bandages I am at a loss and unable to completely stop the exodus. But I cannot risk being perceived as even less than I am now. I cannot be human. I cannot be weak.
Is this what is to be my life from now? Am I to spend what time is left as the father held in secrets? Am I not to be trusted? Am I to be purposely excluded, held at arms length from all until there is need? Perhaps I am someone to be thrown a bone to on occasion or someone left just outside the circle of a life that once was. Maybe I am to be someone better left forgotten? Someone with a name no longer spoken? I am left alone, that is my sentence and in itself a torture without end. I have been held accountable and then convicted of unspecified crimes against the Aristocracy to which there is no forgiveness, no appeal, and certainly no parole. Weary from the conflict that I cringe at the thought of trying to justify myself. Those that once loved me hold now conditions or terms, and they must be satisfied before I am able to proceed. This course was laid out before me. It it impossible to navigate and harder to change. Even so, I once again find myself adrift on this endless sea of tormented emotions. I was offered no love to take with me. No sympathy or forgiveness either. I built my raft from hope, strapped myself down, and set sail.
Why do I still believe? Why do I allow myself to be treated this way. A fool's repetition of unobtainable goals, destined to be tried repeatedly until something - or someone - dies. I know I will be blamed to the end of time, when all of life stops moving. I will be hated even longer for reasons still remain unclear. I will not be trusted or believed. I'll find no love, I'll find, no caring, no joy or happiness. Just a sea of hate that's slowing rising despite my efforts to stop it's swell. It is not enough to simply will good fate. It's not enough to dream. It's not enough to become one and it's not enough to know. The more I've learned the less it's mattered and I have wasted so much time on all of the bad and trying to correct it, but for what I am still not clear. When to give up, now that's a question. When are you supposed to call it quits? If I give up now, who would care or even notice I was gone? No one would, that much is clear, it's clear from the ignoring.
For now, I'll stop these thoughts and focus on the good in front me. I'll give them all I have left to give and show them who I really am. Who I've become. Then in peace I'll send them on and hope they will not think less of me. Eventually they'll understand the message sent and hopefully they'll realize that not all things are as they seem. Maybe there will be questions difficult to answer on what was said and done by those proclaiming forgiveness. But that burden will not be theirs today, and I will never tell them. I'll remain here, darkening with every passing minute until the answer comes to me, until I find my way. One thing is certain, the only clear path I see, is that I will be the one to suffer, I'll be the one left to deal.
Truly, I am growing weary of the constant introspection. Reliving the tragedies and losses in my life that have taken place so far is an exhausting effort wrought with pain and humiliation. To this day, I lament for the one lost even though I clearly understand the summary of reasons that lead us to this break. Reason allows me to be understanding and to show compassion, but not without limits. Not without cost. I walk upon the edge, that place furthest away from something. The fringe between what is and what is not. It is sharp, this edge. To walk here has left me bloodied and weak. A step to the left or right would surely end my suffering but I have been here so long that the pain has become part of my being.
What keeps me here? The matters of the day, the possessions in my keep? What has locked me in, to stay in my head, so securely? Why won't this allow me to pass? I will concede that a force of one can be no greater than the will of another. Is this simply human nature as it's intended to be, or is there something more? Is it so easy to release from your heart that which you were committed to die for?
There are still too many questions. Perhaps the pain is in the unknowing. I would not profess to have the capacity to see into the hearts of others. Not anymore. The heart is not the pure and righteous a place we were lead to believe it was growing up. Jealousy, hatred, deceit and doubt hide in there as well. We pull them from their hiding places when we require their help. Love becomes their allies and together they use each other to obtain what the heart wants at any price. Believing the end justifies the means, there is no measure by men able to compare the carnage that ensues. It is a bloodbath.
I am defying reason. I have abandoned logic. I have rewritten the formulas for happiness, and thrown the originals away. I continue to torture myself. I continue to absorb self doubt. I have continuously sabotaged my life to the point of irrecoverable damage. I have sought pity and I have unleashed rage. And with a substantial amount of regret - I hope.
Despite the odds and evidence I've noted. Despite the overwhelming sensation that what I'm feeling is wrong. I still love! The only thing remaining true, ever present and unmistakable in this broken mans heart is love. How can that be? Could love be a virus yet undiscovered among the hearts of men? A malfunction of some kind? Is that why it hurts? Through all I've endured and all that I've tortured? How can love still be alive?
No answers here for anyone left reading. I am no closer to the truth than I was as a baby and it's not very likely the truth will enlighten me anytime soon. As I prepare for my ultimate departure, I will pack my belongings and finally move away. I am hoping the cure for my virus lies in the absence and that someday I can finally move on. This is no cure, I am simply allowing the virus to run it's course. I am running away. I am running to forget. I am running to be forgotten. In this decision to leave I have sacrificed all that is important. I will leave everything I cannot cary behind believing that my new direction will release me from this curse I cannot undo.
My two ob
Falling through the night the calm she brings
Standing close to me with angels wings
In her eyes I see the past I've lost
How much did I loose, what was the cost?
We stand at odds but never stood as one
My hatred blinded me from what I've done
To hide my fear, afraid to show it
I should have trusted her, too late to know it.
I listen to her lost in what I'm thinking
Selfish are my needs and what I'm seeing
Terrified by every word she cries
Looking for her soul behind those eyes.
When it ends, the changes we go through
I've had a few of those, but still see you
To rush to you and take you in my arms
Is what I'd do but you resist my charms
Cordial to a fault she listens to me
Fantasize about the life that could be
Fixing everything that went wrong
Doesn't change a thing, she's still gone.
Like dreams I've had just before waking
She disappears from me, leaves my heart aching
She vanishes into the the nights misty air
I wonder if she knows how much I care
As I whisper carefully that I still love her
And watch her walk away without care
Thinking I deserve to be left alone
Go back into my house to aimlessly roam.
I've got to stop this. I've got to slow down. I've got to calm the storm brewing with a challenge from the bow. I almost lost the motion. The way the swells roll under foot. Melodic and gentle, a symphony unheard plays rhythms of life that gently roll by. Where I am is of no consequence. But I am certain of my end. A simple arrow pointed west, chasing in vain towards the Sun. I am following the path of those who already know.
I am lost in the rhythm. My words no longer rhyme. Unimportant is time and the demands of the others. I have set sail from those loved. Now left behind. The music is wondrous. My soul now l full. Now clarity and common sense and a want to be merciful. A want to feel love again. A desire to be needed. I am approaching with openness left behind by my hate. I will pray for forgiveness. If not too late.
The rhythm hypnotic. I see creation and life. I am loosing my race, the Sun is so fast, but in dying still very bright. I wonder if I will be. I wonder what I have become. I wonder what will be left. Who will remember me. I will still cry at night. But sometimes I smile. I took nearly too long. Almost too late. Destroyed all that was good. I held on to the hate.
The music plays softer. I now see the shore. I am told no more for today. I must try to be calm. I don't want to let this go. I don't want to smother. Maybe this feeling will grow. I understand it. I dream a fool's wish. I'll keep that for me, no one else needs to know. I like the smile it brings be. I like the warmth. The company. But I like where I am. I know what my heart feels. First time in my life. And I'll take this walk slowly. And I'll think things through. I'll be calm and understanding. And one day might be happy too.
Yes one day I will.
Where are you going?
Where have you been?
What have you seen?
What have you learned?
Am I still with you?
Do you ever think of me?
Do you still smile?
Or am I far away?
Gone too long from us
Is something that we once shared.
Do we talk or run and hide
Are we both scared?
We both play those games
That keep us a part
But I'm afraid of moving on
And what remains in my heart
Though time will keep us moving
Time will keep me guessing
Not about my love for you
But you'll still be missing.
Carried by upon a winter breeze and gently wafting across my face, a familiar presence ignites my sleeping senses, alerting me to the unmistakable energy that now tickles my fancy. Through my opening eyes I see nothing but a winter sky painted in onyx. But this ever increasing presence of familiar energy is unmistakable and I am becoming intoxicated by it's touch.
I close my eyes and breath in deep. Immediately I am greeted by a rush of crisp night air, filling my lungs and reinforcing my senses. Though my eyes see but darkness a vision of light begins to appear. It is the vision an angel. The specter of a history now all but gone. It is of love and promise. It is the image of the one who left me behind.
I stand paralyzed, afraid to move or speak for fear of scaring this heavenly image away. My wanting is suppressed, I dare not touch. I do not speak to keep my forked tongue subdued. I keep my eyes closed so that she remains within my vision for as long as possible.
She simply stares at me. Looking into her eyes intensely emitting the luminescent color of emerald green, I sense her foreboding. Softly, she speaks to ask one question, "Why are you still here?" I understand her meaning instantly, but struggle to find an answer. At first, I am able to design many answers. Answers that quickly fade until I am left with none. As I raise my head to address her, I find she has vanished.
Suddenly I am forcefully awakened by pain that cannot be compared. I am cold and shaking. I rise quickly and snap my head from left to right to take inventory of my location. She is not here. My eyes begin to well up with the tears of regret and loss, flooding my heart with emotion that simply will not die. I feel empty. I am nothing more than a fool still in love with a memory that is no more.
People walk beyond you
Leaving you changed
Longing for all that was
And all that's been lost
Life moves beyond you
Never mind the cost
Though the days have passed
This past you hold dear
Will continue to diminish
Year after year.
And of the hurt
It will relent
But not before ending
Not before life spent.
I think the biggest reason for all of this self evaluation I'm going through is coming from this book I'm reading.
"The Blank Slate. The modern denial of human nature." by Steven Pinker. It's a book that attempts to figure out, to some degree, the correlation between genetics and environment that determine our personalities, along with other influences that are proven to, and myths that do not. It also attempts to prove that we are actually 'born' in a state of denial (regarding our true human nature), thus suppressing what our true nature (or personality) is.
I know! It's one of the most boring and obtuse books I have ever, EVER, read! This guy reads like wall painted white. But there is something intriguing about this book. Though he attempts to make no conclusions, he's very accurate in his observations of people. Especially those interactions between couples. But in analyzing his many scenarios he takes an almost pompous view by saying that everybody acts this way, or maybe closer to "this is how you should be acting".
I'll agree that this is how I would expect most people to act, but certainly not everyone. Does that mean there's something wrong with me because I don't interact with people in the ways he describes?
On second thought, never mind. I forgot who I was for a second.
This book is 600 pages of this boring psych crap, and yet I cannot put it down. I'm currently cresting page 500 and it's really got my head swimming. Not in the knowledge I am obtaining, but in the way it's forcing me to review how I interact and react to people and problems, what to expect in return from those people, and how I might avoid acting like a normal human in the future (that is, acting like a better human instead).
But still, DAMN! I still catch myself wondering WTF am I doing reading this POS? I've got a feeling I'm going to be thinking about this book for a long time.
What I wouldn't pay to finally have all the pieces fit.
I am still dumbfounded by this person I've become today. I am neither here, nor there and I am certainly not where I want to be. How can everything still be falling apart this far down the line? Until recently, I have never wished to be somebody else. Now, I would gladly sell whatever sole I am supposed to have for the slightest chance at being somebody else. I have nothing left to offer anyone. I am no longer motivated by anything, and to be honest, I don't want to be. I have no interest in life or people. I have become just too damaged and do not care.
I am just waiting for the proverbial steam roller to come along and finish me off, but damn! It's taking it's sweet ass time. The way I view things is pretty simple. It's wrong, but simple, just the same. And yet it's hard for me to describe. Perhaps because it is so simple. I think I could best explain it like this; My life has changed against my will. Without regard for what I wanted or thought. It just changed. I was left alive, but without reason or hope. There was nothing I could have done to stop it. There was nothing within my power I could have done.
These days, everybody's an expert. "Move on" I'm repeatedly told. What the hell does that even mean? Am I simply going to ignore those things I do care about? Turn my back on everything I believed I was, believed my life was? Walk away? As it turns out, yes. I cannot change those views others have of me. I cannot make them turn around or change they're mind. I cannot prevent them from moving on without me. This is all beyond my control.
I don't want to leave this place. I don't want to lose those feelings I still have, watching them vanish and become forgotten as I have. There must be a reason I still feel this way. After all this time these feelings have remained, why? I could say something poetic about 'love enduring and unending' right here. But in all honesty I could say this is simply a mental glitch. Some kind of codependency issue I cannot work through. But what is love if not to be dependent on each other? I became dependent on her and my family, but rarely showed them. But they no longer depend on me for anything. I have become redundant. An extra wheel, taking up space.
I don't know what I trying to say exactly. Maybe I'm just working the problem. Maybe I'm just lonely. Maybe I still hurt.
Closer to the truth: Maybe I'm just a pathetic excuse for a man who can't find the strength or courage needed to do what everyone else already has. Terrified of change, disbelieving the rejection and fearing living the rest of my days never knowing this love again. Never feeling complete again. Never being worthy.
On second thought, maybe they were right to leave me behind.
I've taken down the Blog posts about the Ex. Realizing that no matter how desperate my pleas are for her to correct her wrongs, it's never going to happen. Well, never if I leave it up to her. I used to be a stronger person but I have been severely weakened by the events of the last 3 years. Lately I have felt that strength rebuilding and have decided to use it to my advantage, fixing the issues that haunt me daily. A smarter me, if you will. I can not leave my future in jeopardy, hoping that the one who has wronged me comes to her senses.
And with that, here are my 2013 resolutions.
Yep, it's a big list. I'm just going to be smarter about the choices I make, the actions I take and the friends I keep company with. While you might say this is nothing more than a wish list, well, maybe it is. But I am going to try. Even if I accomplish only half of what I've listed, 2013 would end up being a pretty good year.
Something completely different. A project I completed for the holidays. The candle carousel below was left in my attic broken and forgotten, who knows how long ago. I decided to repair it and clean it up for one more 'go-a-round'. Touched the paint. Replaced, repaired the trim and people and built new fan blades. Below is a small vid of the end result.
The clouds are set ablaze to announce the dying of yet another day. Light stretches out from beyond the horizon trying desperately to grab hold of the sky and keep the sun from falling further into tomorrow. Shadows dance as their presence grows and the orchestra of night begins tuning up. The influence of the sun is waining. Rain clouds begin to occupy the once open gazing ports to the stars as the decreasing temperature arrives on an evening breeze. Light is unable to hang on any longer and lets go of the sky, allowing the sun to fall into tomorrow while creating yesterday.
Previous PostsA Fool and His Life Are Soon Parted, posted May 13th, 2013
Traveling A Little Lighter, posted May 10th, 2013
Three Libras, posted May 5th, 2013
Breath In, Bleed Out, posted April 24th, 2013
Into The Intentions of Spring, posted April 15th, 2013
March Madness, posted March 23rd, 2013
Observations Made Through A Cracked Telescope, posted January 25th, 2013
On The Lighter Side..., posted January 21st, 2013, 1 comment
Deal, posted January 20th, 2013
Diving Into Ice..., posted January 20th, 2013
Roam, posted January 20th, 2013
Slow Down...., posted January 18th, 2013, 1 comment
The Missing, posted January 12th, 2013
Damn Dreams, posted January 8th, 2013
More Bad Poetry......, posted January 7th, 2013
I Just Can't Help It..., posted January 7th, 2013
Like A Puzzle Missing Pieces..., posted January 7th, 2013
High Resolutions for 2013, posted December 31st, 2012
Alright Then, Let's Light This Candle!, posted December 30th, 2012
Sunset In My Eyes, posted December 30th, 2012
BlogrollHere are some friends' blogs...
HelpEmbed Photos Embed Videos