Like A Puzzle Missing Pieces... | bohemiantragedy's Blog
What I wouldn't pay to finally have all the pieces fit.
I am still dumbfounded by this person I've become today. I am neither here, nor there and I am certainly not where I want to be. How can everything still be falling apart this far down the line? Until recently, I have never wished to be somebody else. Now, I would gladly sell whatever sole I am supposed to have for the slightest chance at being somebody else. I have nothing left to offer anyone. I am no longer motivated by anything, and to be honest, I don't want to be. I have no interest in life or people. I have become just too damaged and do not care.
I am just waiting for the proverbial steam roller to come along and finish me off, but damn! It's taking it's sweet ass time. The way I view things is pretty simple. It's wrong, but simple, just the same. And yet it's hard for me to describe. Perhaps because it is so simple. I think I could best explain it like this; My life has changed against my will. Without regard for what I wanted or thought. It just changed. I was left alive, but without reason or hope. There was nothing I could have done to stop it. There was nothing within my power I could have done.
These days, everybody's an expert. "Move on" I'm repeatedly told. What the hell does that even mean? Am I simply going to ignore those things I do care about? Turn my back on everything I believed I was, believed my life was? Walk away? As it turns out, yes. I cannot change those views others have of me. I cannot make them turn around or change they're mind. I cannot prevent them from moving on without me. This is all beyond my control.
I don't want to leave this place. I don't want to lose those feelings I still have, watching them vanish and become forgotten as I have. There must be a reason I still feel this way. After all this time these feelings have remained, why? I could say something poetic about 'love enduring and unending' right here. But in all honesty I could say this is simply a mental glitch. Some kind of codependency issue I cannot work through. But what is love if not to be dependent on each other? I became dependent on her and my family, but rarely showed them. But they no longer depend on me for anything. I have become redundant. An extra wheel, taking up space.
I don't know what I trying to say exactly. Maybe I'm just working the problem. Maybe I'm just lonely. Maybe I still hurt.
Closer to the truth: Maybe I'm just a pathetic excuse for a man who can't find the strength or courage needed to do what everyone else already has. Terrified of change, disbelieving the rejection and fearing living the rest of my days never knowing this love again. Never feeling complete again. Never being worthy.
On second thought, maybe they were right to leave me behind.
There are no comments on this post yet, be the first to leave one!
Previous PostsWhat…what?, posted May 3rd, 2015
All Apologies..., posted February 4th, 2015
Crazy, On A Ship of Fools..., posted January 25th, 2015
Howdy Pilgrim..., posted January 25th, 2015
So, Tell Me About Your Mother..., posted January 20th, 2015
Road Kill, posted January 12th, 2015
And Their All Made Of Ticky-Tacky, posted December 31st, 2014
A Year in Toasters - A Review and Hopes for The New Year, posted December 29th, 2014
Gray Day In The Window..., posted December 1st, 2014
Thanksgiving 2014..., posted November 27th, 2014
I Disappear…, posted November 18th, 2014
Goodbye. It's Been Fun…, posted July 17th, 2014
It's Coming Around Again..., posted July 12th, 2014
Am I To Forget You?, posted July 10th, 2014
Paging Dr. Feel Good, Dr. FeelGood To The O.R., posted July 7th, 2014
I Put My Blue Jeans On..., posted June 5th, 2014
Which Way is North?, posted May 30th, 2014, 1 comment
Is There Ever Going To Be An Answer?, posted May 6th, 2014
Camping Should Not Be Performed Alone - Ever!, posted May 1st, 2014
Well That Was Unexpected...., posted January 23rd, 2014
A House No Longer A Home, posted November 30th, 2013
~Fini~, posted November 14th, 2013
Got A Match?, posted November 8th, 2013
Sould I Stay or Should I Go? Go, Definetly Go...., posted October 24th, 2013
Swinging For The Fence..., posted October 14th, 2013
Who Cries for the Broken?, posted October 12th, 2013
Can I Leave Now? Please., posted September 10th, 2013
Out of Sight, Out of My Mind...., posted September 3rd, 2013
The Edge...., posted August 30th, 2013, 2 comments
The Forgotten..., posted August 25th, 2013
So Very Tired, posted August 11th, 2013
A Little Clarity Is Not Always A Good Thing..., posted July 31st, 2013
Open Up My Head and Let Me Out..., posted June 19th, 2013
It's Been A Whole Year? Really?, posted June 19th, 2013
A Broken Record Eventually Stops Working, posted May 25th, 2013
A Fool and His Life Are Soon Parted, posted May 13th, 2013
Traveling A Little Lighter, posted May 10th, 2013
Three Libras, posted May 5th, 2013
Breath In, Bleed Out, posted April 24th, 2013
Into The Intentions of Spring, posted April 15th, 2013
March Madness, posted March 23rd, 2013
Observations Made Through A Cracked Telescope, posted January 25th, 2013
On The Lighter Side..., posted January 21st, 2013, 1 comment
Deal, posted January 20th, 2013
Diving Into Ice..., posted January 20th, 2013
Roam, posted January 20th, 2013
Slow Down...., posted January 18th, 2013, 1 comment
The Missing, posted January 12th, 2013
Damn Dreams, posted January 8th, 2013
More Bad Poetry......, posted January 7th, 2013
BlogrollHere are some friends' blogs...
HelpEmbed Photos Embed Videos