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Like A Puzzle Missing Pieces... | bohemiantragedy's Blog


What I wouldn't pay to finally have all the pieces fit.

I am still dumbfounded by this person I've become today. I am neither here, nor there and I am certainly not where I want to be. How can everything still be falling apart this far down the line? Until recently, I have never wished to be somebody else. Now, I would gladly sell whatever sole I am supposed to have for the slightest chance at being somebody else. I have nothing left to offer anyone. I am no longer motivated by anything, and to be honest, I don't want to be. I have no interest in life or people. I have become just too damaged and do not care.

I am just waiting for the proverbial steam roller to come along and finish me off, but damn! It's taking it's sweet ass time. The way I view things is pretty simple. It's wrong, but simple, just the same. And yet it's hard for me to describe. Perhaps because it is so simple. I think I could best explain it like this; My life has changed against my will. Without regard for what I wanted or thought. It just changed. I was left alive, but without reason or hope. There was nothing I could have done to stop it. There was nothing within my power I could have done.

These days, everybody's an expert. "Move on" I'm repeatedly told. What the hell does that even mean? Am I simply going to ignore those things I do care about? Turn my back on everything I believed I was, believed my life was? Walk away? As it turns out, yes. I cannot change those views others have of me. I cannot make them turn around or change they're mind. I cannot prevent them from moving on without me. This is all beyond my control.

I don't want to leave this place. I don't want to lose those feelings I still have, watching them vanish and become forgotten as I have. There must be a reason I still feel this way. After all this time these feelings have remained, why? I could say something poetic about 'love enduring and unending' right here. But in all honesty I could say this is simply a mental glitch. Some kind of codependency issue I cannot work through. But what is love if not to be dependent on each other? I became dependent on her and my family, but rarely showed them. But they no longer depend on me for anything. I have become redundant. An extra wheel, taking up space. 

I don't know what I trying to say exactly. Maybe I'm just working the problem. Maybe I'm just lonely. Maybe I still hurt.

Closer to the truth: Maybe I'm just a pathetic excuse for a man who can't find the strength or courage needed to do what everyone else already has. Terrified of change, disbelieving the rejection and fearing living the rest of my days never knowing this love again. Never feeling complete again. Never being worthy.

On second thought, maybe they were right to leave me behind.


BT



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