Observations Made Through A Cracked Telescope | bohemiantragedy's Blog

My head is swimming. I think I can actually feel my brain hitting the sides of my skull. Slosh, slosh, slosh - thud...

It's so hard to know who to be. Friend? Foe? Compatriot? We have talked into the wee hours and I can say I'm happy when she's here. The talking is mostly positive, sometimes nurturing, sometimes funny and sometimes painful. Little shards of glass kind of painful. I say things I promised I would keep hidden. I have revealed a little too much. I have said things laced with the old hatred that remain unresolved. I regret those things and wish I could unsay them.

I am revealing too much of myself. My feelings. My desires. My loves. I am stepping over the edge unintentionally and slowly revealing the ugliest part of me - my soul. Nothing I have said is untrue, but these things are better left alone. They are the unfixable. They are the desperation of a man lost. It is everything I have left.

Stuttering and stammering, I am straining the conversation. Too afraid to say what I want for fear of the repercussions. Stuck within her mindset, she has given me the answers to these questions and yet I am unable to accept them. Her honesty is frank and my heart refills with the familiar pain that has been with me now for far too long. But this a problem for nobody but me. 

At times our conversation is too casual, trespassing into territory best left for friends. With who? What and when? Have you? Again, too much pain in the asking.

She is only telling me the truth. She is showing me her path. She tries hard to chose words carefully but some things cannot be rephrased in a effort to soften the blow. Nothing she says, I do not already know. Done and over, she is gone.

As the conversation wears on until late, I find something new is happening. I am a little surprised at the finding. I am listening! I am listening with great intention, nearly hanging on ever word she says, good or bad. There is nothing missed. I remember it all. Although she is still guarded and keeping certain events or people anonymous  it does not curb my interest in what she saying.

I am still confused as to why and how this is happening (though she has made the reasons clear), but I must put the confusion away and let this happen. Though my feeling are true they are also not important. When she is here, I am happy - even when I'm mad. I would do whatever was necessary to enjoy this time as long as possible including giving myself away. Selfish? Hell yes!  

Still, it's hard to know who to be. Even though the boundaries have been drawn and she has been clear on her intentions, living between the status of Ex and hated is a difficult proposal. So I'm going to try my best to let it ride, accept this as it is, whatever it is and desperately try to keep my mouth shut while not becoming an asshole in the process.

Yep, I'm in a lot of trouble.

~BT