Observations Made Through A Cracked Telescope | bohemiantragedy's Blog
My head is swimming. I think I can actually feel my brain hitting the sides of my skull. Slosh, slosh, slosh - thud...
It's so hard to know who to be. Friend? Foe? Compatriot? We have talked into the wee hours and I can say I'm happy when she's here. The talking is mostly positive, sometimes nurturing, sometimes funny and sometimes painful. Little shards of glass kind of painful. I say things I promised I would keep hidden. I have revealed a little too much. I have said things laced with the old hatred that remain unresolved. I regret those things and wish I could unsay them.
I am revealing too much of myself. My feelings. My desires. My loves. I am stepping over the edge unintentionally and slowly revealing the ugliest part of me - my soul. Nothing I have said is untrue, but these things are better left alone. They are the unfixable. They are the desperation of a man lost. It is everything I have left.
Stuttering and stammering, I am straining the conversation. Too afraid to say what I want for fear of the repercussions. Stuck within her mindset, she has given me the answers to these questions and yet I am unable to accept them. Her honesty is frank and my heart refills with the familiar pain that has been with me now for far too long. But this a problem for nobody but me.
At times our conversation is too casual, trespassing into territory best left for friends. With who? What and when? Have you? Again, too much pain in the asking.
She is only telling me the truth. She is showing me her path. She tries hard to chose words carefully but some things cannot be rephrased in a effort to soften the blow. Nothing she says, I do not already know. Done and over, she is gone.
As the conversation wears on until late, I find something new is happening. I am a little surprised at the finding. I am listening! I am listening with great intention, nearly hanging on ever word she says, good or bad. There is nothing missed. I remember it all. Although she is still guarded and keeping certain events or people anonymous it does not curb my interest in what she saying.
I am still confused as to why and how this is happening (though she has made the reasons clear), but I must put the confusion away and let this happen. Though my feeling are true they are also not important. When she is here, I am happy - even when I'm mad. I would do whatever was necessary to enjoy this time as long as possible including giving myself away. Selfish? Hell yes!
Still, it's hard to know who to be. Even though the boundaries have been drawn and she has been clear on her intentions, living between the status of Ex and hated is a difficult proposal. So I'm going to try my best to let it ride, accept this as it is, whatever it is and desperately try to keep my mouth shut while not becoming an asshole in the process.
Yep, I'm in a lot of trouble.
There are no comments on this post yet, be the first to leave one!
Previous PostsAll Apologies..., posted February 4th, 2015
Crazy, On A Ship of Fools..., posted January 25th, 2015
Howdy Pilgrim..., posted January 25th, 2015
So, Tell Me About Your Mother..., posted January 20th, 2015
Road Kill, posted January 12th, 2015
And Their All Made Of Ticky-Tacky, posted December 31st, 2014
A Year in Toasters - A Review and Hopes for The New Year, posted December 29th, 2014
Gray Day In The Window..., posted December 1st, 2014
Thanksgiving 2014..., posted November 27th, 2014
I Disappear…, posted November 18th, 2014
Goodbye. It's Been Fun…, posted July 17th, 2014
It's Coming Around Again..., posted July 12th, 2014
Am I To Forget You?, posted July 10th, 2014
Paging Dr. Feel Good, Dr. FeelGood To The O.R., posted July 7th, 2014
I Put My Blue Jeans On..., posted June 5th, 2014
Which Way is North?, posted May 30th, 2014, 1 comment
Is There Ever Going To Be An Answer?, posted May 6th, 2014
Camping Should Not Be Performed Alone - Ever!, posted May 1st, 2014
Well That Was Unexpected...., posted January 23rd, 2014
A House No Longer A Home, posted November 30th, 2013
~Fini~, posted November 14th, 2013
Got A Match?, posted November 8th, 2013
Sould I Stay or Should I Go? Go, Definetly Go...., posted October 24th, 2013
Swinging For The Fence..., posted October 14th, 2013
Who Cries for the Broken?, posted October 12th, 2013
Can I Leave Now? Please., posted September 10th, 2013
Out of Sight, Out of My Mind...., posted September 3rd, 2013
The Edge...., posted August 30th, 2013, 2 comments
The Forgotten..., posted August 25th, 2013
So Very Tired, posted August 11th, 2013
A Little Clarity Is Not Always A Good Thing..., posted July 31st, 2013
Open Up My Head and Let Me Out..., posted June 19th, 2013
It's Been A Whole Year? Really?, posted June 19th, 2013
A Broken Record Eventually Stops Working, posted May 25th, 2013
A Fool and His Life Are Soon Parted, posted May 13th, 2013
Traveling A Little Lighter, posted May 10th, 2013
Three Libras, posted May 5th, 2013
Breath In, Bleed Out, posted April 24th, 2013
Into The Intentions of Spring, posted April 15th, 2013
March Madness, posted March 23rd, 2013
Observations Made Through A Cracked Telescope, posted January 25th, 2013
On The Lighter Side..., posted January 21st, 2013, 1 comment
Deal, posted January 20th, 2013
Diving Into Ice..., posted January 20th, 2013
Roam, posted January 20th, 2013
Slow Down...., posted January 18th, 2013, 1 comment
The Missing, posted January 12th, 2013
Damn Dreams, posted January 8th, 2013
More Bad Poetry......, posted January 7th, 2013
I Just Can't Help It..., posted January 7th, 2013
BlogrollHere are some friends' blogs...
HelpEmbed Photos Embed Videos